The intricacies of the side hug

I can do a lot of things - a successful side hug is not one of them.

About five years ago, I evolved from the arms-on-shoulder girl to a bear-hug woman. The sheer joy of giving and receiving so much love in a simple platonic strong-hold is so comforting. But, for the life of me, I cannot master the side-hug. There are a lot of mind-blocks attached to it:

• It seems akin to air-kissing - the half-heartedness of it.
• I never know when which hug is intended.
• Arm pits. Enough said.

Considering that the Side-Hug is the new Hand Shake, I had resigned myself to accept and practice it.

But then, the inevitable mortifying episode happened. I had to meet the partner of my firm - in a hotel - for dinner (All hints for why I thought this was semi-casual). I come in, and he gets up and says in genuine pleasure, "It's so nice to see you!", with arms wide open. Obviously pleased, I go straight on and hug him. 
Turns out, it was meant to be a side hug. For a full 2 seconds, I am awkwardly wrapped around him, and he is trying to bring me to the side.
So, I made a mental note :

1. No hug, until it is initiated.
2. Only side-hugs with bosses.

Things were falling into place, when 2 days back, the same thing happened with a colleague of mine. Giraffe that she is, It was really awkward that I was standing on my toes, going all out, while she is wondering what to do.

Seriously, I give up. New rule - Only Side-hugs. Period. If you come and go all frontal on me, I'll go berserk.

Know Thy Neighbour?

I am awkward and socially inept.
So, when I was a teen, I was sure that I would grow out of it and blossom into this lovely, graceful and assertive woman, who would be every woman’s best friend and every man’s secret desire. Instead the dangly teenager grew into a dangly woman. The tripping-over-my-own-feet traits carried on well into the late-twenties, and the brain-freeze during conversations continued unabated.

So, like Project Presentable, I decided to take up ‘Project Social’. I had a shorter list to adhere to this time:

• Smile at everyone.
• Make an effort and know the neighbours.

For a week at least, all seemed well.  On the 8th day, it all came crashing down. All because of two back-to-back neighborly incidents.

Case I: Distracted Dads
On one of our usual Mother-son walks in the building compound, I ran across this father playing cricket with his 9-yr old son and 3-yr old daughter. Deciding not to chicken out now, I introduced myself and asked about his children, school etc. His son, getting impatient. started talking to his father, giving no heed to my lame conversation attempts.

Son: DAD! Are you attracted to her?
Dad: No, But I AM distracted.
Son (nodding sagely): Me too Dad. Me too.
And they resumed playing.

I am sure there is a compliment hidden here somewhere, but in the face of the blunt rebuke; I can’t seem to find it.

Case II: Mistaken Identities
As all festivals are wont to do, we were making the expected neighborly rounds for some gossips and some blouse pieces (When you think about it, it all comes down to that). One of these visits involved an old Paati, with whom we had conversed via the balcony a couple of times.In case you are wondering, yes, such things still happen. She lives with her son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter- who we didn't have the fortune to meet or converse with.
When we went to her house, there was another couple present. Considering that we didn’t know much about the family, we were relieved when the lady introduced herself as the daughter-in-law’s mother. Conversation flowed freely thereafter, but, I really wanted to see the daughter-in-law.  So, I asked the man,

Me: “Has your daughter gone outside?”
Man: Who?
Me: The grand-daughter's mother. Has she gone out?
After a moment’s silence,
Man (Smiling): “She is not my daughter. She is my wife. I just didn’t have time to dye my hair today. And yes, she has gone outside.”

As my dad succintly put it, "That's a nice way of ensuring that they never call you again". But there was a silver lining in this - the next day, I saw him with freshly dyed hair.


So after ‘distracting’ one man and creating confusion in the family of another, Project Social has also been parked indefinitely.