Girlish Cars and Boyish Flowers

So, the 2.5 year old offspring of mine has been going to school diligently for about a month now. A lot of compromises and rearrangement of priorities later, things were finally falling into place.

That is, before I realised that pre-school was more for the parents’ benefit rather than the child’s. In Ahaan’s own words, he goes to school to play. For us however, the school has taught us time management, wardrobe management, lunchbox planning and alarm clock dependencies. It has been an interesting experience to say the least, and we were becoming experts in that… until the school decided to throw a curveball, in the form of a “Hawaiian day” (cue: Eye roll). Secretly, I was very excited about my first mommy-assignment, and started planning strategies and counter-strategies. 2-days before the D-day, we go shopping, just to find that there are no shirts with flowers (or leaves or trees) for boys. No as in NONE.

After almost 3 hours of running unsuccessfully from one shop to another, I called for reinforcements. My sister (while she was first in line when the lords were distributing imagination, innovation and creativity, I was in the ‘talking without thinking’ line) listened patiently before asking why I can’t make it myself. She gave a lot of ideas and sent me multiple photo-sets, and a bit of an effort later, the shirt was ready.

Tada! My version of the Hawaiian Shirt!

So, apart from being an egoistic post showing off my borrowed creativity, I was very upset about what we are doing to our children. To put it succinctly,

Characteristics	Boys	Girls
Colors	Black, Blue, Grey, Green, Red, White	Pink, Yellow, Orange, Red, White
Tailoring	Loose and Baggy	Tight fits with frills and fluffs
Designs	Vehicles (2-wheelers, 4 wheelers, trains, aeroplanes) , Fierce Animals, action figures	Dolls, pretty girls (& fairies), Domesticated animals, flowers, lot of lace and glitter
Messages	Macho and Muscular (I am strong!)	Cute and Feminine (Daddy’s little girl)
Toys	Vehicles, Animals, Mind Games, Action figures	Dolls (and lots of it), Doll houses (and other sets) and handicraft kits (jewellery, pots, sparkles etc)

 

We as a society either have a zero tolerance for uniqueness or don’t have the patience to nurture it.  To be fair, a change is tantalisingly around the corner. Men are wearing skirts now and two of the most admired characters on TV include Jassi (from Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi) and Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones).  The boy-who-wanted-to-be-Sheila was one of the best stories to come up in Bollywood (Bombay Talkies) in recent times (if ever). As parents, we can contribute to the change too, by remembering some basic points:

·         Blue does not make a boy, and pink does not define a girl.

·         A girl likes kitchen sets, but given a chance, she would also like a toy-truck.

·         A boy would love to cook, clean the house and say hello to plants.

·         When (and that’s a giant When) you catch yourself stereotyping people, give yourself one tight slap.

That ought to do.

Note: This is a hypocritical post, and I know I stereotype as well. But well, to modify the Stark motto: Change is coming.

 

The Real Parent

The WTF quote of the day which prompted this post

A “selfless parent” is a myth. They exist only in public – where there is sweet talking, blogging and overt praising. See them in action 24X7, you’ll be surprised. There may be a lot more fighting, strong words, whining, crying, breakdowns and/or hitting than you would have imagined.

This does not mean that they are hypocritical. A parent faces too much pressure – from the society which is judging their every single move (you lose your cool once in public and you get the tag), from the spouse who takes minimal, equal or greater load than you do, the internet with its gyan on what is right and what is not, and more importantly, from the child, who keeps looking at him/her with adoring and trusting eyes (and pulls all your heart strings in the process). Add the professional and/or house work-load into the equation and it’s a brimming pot full of emotions. Parents have their own way of dealing with it – they either become mule-headed in their beliefs or putty to other people’s opinions. Whichever path they take and however much they try, they also end up being judgemental and hypocritical.

Unfortunately, they forget to be selfish (Yes, I think it is a good trait, and a difficult one to master). It is easy to forget everything and make your world revolve around one tiny tot. It is easy to forget one’s hobbies, health and friends to do so. But slowly and steadily, these things are missed. Tempers run short and self-pity attacks in full force. Emotional blackmails are uttered inadvertently (“I sacrificed EVERYTHING” for you). From being the source of dependency for the child, one becomes dependent on them.

Since being a mother brings out all the advise-giving hormones to forefront, let me add my bit here – if you are a parent, make an effort and be selfish. Selfish makes you happy, and that’s what makes a real parent. A child wants a content parent, not a selfless one.