Charting Parenting Expectations

I remember one of my friends once mentioning that she is planning to have kids. 

“Why?”, I asked casually. 

She sounded surprised at the question. “Because I am going to be 30! Everyone my age already is a mother.”

“But that really can’t be the criteria for wanting kids.” 

“You already are a mother. You don’t know the pressure we go through”. 

Hmm. Before I start this post, let’s get a couple of things out of the way: 

1. I am a very happy and content mother. I have a son I adore, and who reciprocates that back. 
2. I have a very happy life. Enough said. 

So, despite being that spoilt, I still warn every wanna-be mothers to think it (it=baby fetish) through. There are very strong reasons for that warning, and I thought of making some charts to explain it (just so, next time I can send a link to this post instead of lecturing the poor souls!): 

Things to look forward to while parenting

• Time Crunch: No time for hobbies, sleep, friends or for exercise.

Average time spent for various activities

• Advice overload: Everyone who has an internet connection (or memory) is going to give you an advice.

Sources of advice

• Finance crunch: There are some additional (unexpectedly expensive) factors to consider.

Sources of Expenditure

• Stress Hike: Every parent, working or otherwise is going to go crazy with guilt, and the sheer number of things to do. 

Stress and Multi-tasking levels

• Songs Crunch: The choices narrow down inadvertently. 

Frequency of songs heard/sung

Of course, there are some major perks as well. Your life gets a direction, and you (finally) get some perspective. Specifically, there are two things I could think of 

• Energy Spike: Coming back home is not about resting, but looking forward to some cricket/football time. 

Average energy levels during the day

• Work-Life Balance: The chaotic work-life balances and OCDs are finally sorted out.

Average Work-Life Balance in a week

Happy parenting (or non-parenting as the case may be)!

Source: Imagination and experience :)

The Real Parent

The WTF quote of the day which prompted this post

A “selfless parent” is a myth. They exist only in public – where there is sweet talking, blogging and overt praising. See them in action 24X7, you’ll be surprised. There may be a lot more fighting, strong words, whining, crying, breakdowns and/or hitting than you would have imagined.

This does not mean that they are hypocritical. A parent faces too much pressure – from the society which is judging their every single move (you lose your cool once in public and you get the tag), from the spouse who takes minimal, equal or greater load than you do, the internet with its gyan on what is right and what is not, and more importantly, from the child, who keeps looking at him/her with adoring and trusting eyes (and pulls all your heart strings in the process). Add the professional and/or house work-load into the equation and it’s a brimming pot full of emotions. Parents have their own way of dealing with it – they either become mule-headed in their beliefs or putty to other people’s opinions. Whichever path they take and however much they try, they also end up being judgemental and hypocritical.

Unfortunately, they forget to be selfish (Yes, I think it is a good trait, and a difficult one to master). It is easy to forget everything and make your world revolve around one tiny tot. It is easy to forget one’s hobbies, health and friends to do so. But slowly and steadily, these things are missed. Tempers run short and self-pity attacks in full force. Emotional blackmails are uttered inadvertently (“I sacrificed EVERYTHING” for you). From being the source of dependency for the child, one becomes dependent on them.

Since being a mother brings out all the advise-giving hormones to forefront, let me add my bit here – if you are a parent, make an effort and be selfish. Selfish makes you happy, and that’s what makes a real parent. A child wants a content parent, not a selfless one.

Small packages can bring big changes

Innumerable things change after having a baby - big and small. It is so gradual that we notice them only after it has become a routine. I started noticing 11 months after having mine, and the consultant-devil woke up inside me to make a list of them*:

• No amount of wanna-be-cool mother resolutions work, and falling into obsessive-compulsive pattern seems inevitable.


• The disaster-intuitive radars start developing.


• The timid voice gives way to an assertive one.


• The catching reflex becomes stronger with each passing day.


• Organizational and multi-tasking skills sky-rocket.


• Judging and advicing married couples becomes difficult to control.


• Keeping a clean house while the baby is awake is an abandoned dream.


• Bath is a luxury, and even at its slowest, does not last longer than 10 minutes.


• The head is perpetually inclined at a 45 degree angle with ears pointing to the room where the baby is sleeping.


• the neighbourhood teenage boy playing loud music, the uncle meticulously reversing his car and the auto honking its horn are all equally and creatively bad-mouthed.


• Peeing and pooping are replaced by pee-pee and poo-poo, and their smells fail to stimulate or repulse us.


• Hosting a simple dinner takes a full day, if not more, taking the baby-delays into account.


• All the purchases are based on their being unbreakable and child-proof.


• A walk down the block, a trip to the garden or mall are all equally barfed at.


• Planning a trip back home becomes more nerve-racking than exciting.


• The mall shopping gets over in a haze - organized and rushed with a shopping list clutched in the hand like a lifesaver.
  
• Chunky jewellery and heels are discarded for an all-bare and flat look.


• No shopping trip is complete without checking out the baby store.


• There is always a shortage of cloth nappies.


• The shop-keepers and market owners suddenly become friendlier and more understanding.


• Steamed vegetables, runny dal rice and mashed apples start tasting delicious.


• Phone and spectacle replacement ideas are abandoned seeing the conditions of the current ones in the tiny hands.


• The days and weeks are passed by mentally noting all the relevant growth milestones.


• The mobile-using, hippie-clothed school children wandering hand-in-hand with the opposite sex are looked at with absolute terror, and worried looks are exhanged with the partner.


• All ways of raising the child, other than your own, seem faulty.


• Despite expecting it, the first 'amma' or 'appa' can send your heart plummeting.


• Watching a sleeping child suddenly becomes the new stress-buster, replacing book-reading and movie-watching.


• Unknowingly, the second childhood begins, where rhymes are sung and dances are danced entertaining self more than the child.


• You start respecting your parents more.


• With the added responsibilities, the bond with the partner becomes stronger and more dependable.

* I read a similar post-baby changes list by another blogger, but I hope against hope that this doesn't look like a rip-off!